You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
