drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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