Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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