i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
