just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
