the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
