How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
