He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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