She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
bring money and cleavage
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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