The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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