I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
