Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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