the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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