I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
