and my herpes radar will keep us safe
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
