Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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