if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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