My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
