Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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