OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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