We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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