yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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