That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
