God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
