My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
