she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
