By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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