I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
