you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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