the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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