just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
