Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
