he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
