Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
