im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
