yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
