I think I won the penis lottery.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
