my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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