He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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