Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
