Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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