when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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