Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
