i permit you to call me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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