My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
