Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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