So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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