New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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