Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
