Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
